I was raised, whether subtly or intentionally, to be a strong, self sufficient woman. Strength, in my mind, equated to the eradication of emotions. There was no need for them, as they typically caused too many blockages. Emotions, I’d observed, could keep me bed ridden for days, or unable to formulate words to someone I loved, or create a giant rift between me and a good friend, or even cause harm. Somewhere along the way, I just chose out.
I spent many years honing my perfect internal wall. A face of impassivity when getting yelled at, or placing a glaze over my orbs so I didn’t cry in frustration. Unbeknownst to me, emotion is energy is motion. Without expression, it represses and finds a long term home within the body. With chronic suppression, it can take a few years, but inevitably it begins to poke out as a whole plethora of nightmares; especially for women.
For me it looked like people pleasing with an inability to engage in conflict [I’d just melt into the wall instead], incessant armpit sweating, plaque psoriasis, extreme constipation for years, and inevitably a triple diagnosis of adhd + pcos + pre diabetes at thirty four. [Check Part II if you haven’t yet]. For many women, the litany goes on to autoimmune disorders, additional endocrine dysregulation, even early onset of bone degeneration.
I could go on and on, but for the purpose of this post, I want to shed light on the vitality of permitting emotion to show up and given credence to.
With any late diagnosis [post childhood], but particularly with neurodivergence, it can bring on a conflagration of feelings. If you’re anything like me and you didn’t allow those to show up for most of your life, it may seem counterintuitive to let them come. Unannounced and unexpectedly; there could be nothing worse!
Every emotion is bigger and greater and magnified. That grief can feel absolutely overwhelming. And that relief can be almost a sense of exhilaration. Amy Moore, PhD, a cognitive psychologist with LearningRx in Colorado Springs, CO, and vice president of research at the Gibson Institute of Cognitive Research
Yet, allowing the emotions to rise up fully, let them sit and even say hey how ya doin to them, can begin to dissolve decades of suppression. Bringing in, eventually, integration + acceptance + and sustainable wellness.
Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler Ross is well known for curating and coining the grief cycle. Because it’s a cycle, that means it can ‘start’ at any stage, there’s not necessarily a ‘right’ order, and there’s no guidebook for ‘how long’ each stage may take. Nor that you may ‘finish’ and something triggers a return to a previous stage; such is life.
I invite you to begin the challenging work of acknowledging which stage of grief you're in on this neurodivergent journey, so that you might come out on the other side with a renewed lens where life has a tinge of possibility and acceptance, versus limitation and disability.
First Stage of Grief : Denial
Most times, getting started is the hardest part. For many, even the inkling of neurodivergence [ND] for themselves can fee like accepting defeat. Especially if they believe that ND is a disability. This stage can take significant time for people to begin to not only accept, but frame this piece of their potential identity into something positive or meaningful.
At this stage, a ND evaluation can feel like a prison sentence. Difficulty is added when the zeitgeist still views ADHD with the stigmas of inferiority, laziness, and needy attached. Typical self talk at this stage is I’m stupid, I’m forgetful, I’m irresponsible as opposed to the perspective of Ugh, damn it, that happened because my ADHD got in the way. Let me see what I can do now. This isn’t an excuse, but rather a pivot point of acknowledgement + acceptance + a commitment to something more serving. This perspective shift, in the the long run, lets in the freeing light at the end of the tunnel.
Anger
I’ll admit that albeit very short lived personally, I glimpsed anger when I sat down and brain dumped all the areas I could remember where I internally berated myself for being behind in life, after recognizing how many ways ADHD may have been the culprit →
My mind racing ahead of teachers as they taught, sometimes blurting answers out, having to stay after school daily for math and higher level science throughout all of high school, having the hardest time sitting down to study [so I didn’t], pushing myself to be intellectually superior by forcing myself to get into the Top 20 [big deal in my high school; I ended up at 21 or 22], seriously harsh self talk that sounded like you’re so dumb, why can’t you keep up, how did I come from such smart parents?, and so on.
As memories poured out alongside tears, I realized with anger that much of my self perception was skewed by a literal, science backed difference in my brain. Not, actually, me. But rather, my perception of life was skewed and I never knew. For someone that had little experience in emotion, I was angry. Honestly, for probably a week, but that’s just me. Crying over spilt milk takes up very little of my time.
But I did find myself repeating thoughts of times I would have done it over, or a deep sadness of things I missed out of my harsh self flagellation and so on. Slowly I moved blame from my brain to the people in my life; why didn’t anyone notice? I was praised up and down my whole academic life, yet there was so much overt expression in my hyperactive presentation. Why wasn’t I supported? I could have had SO MANY different results, so much more ease with so many things!
Coulda, shoulda, woulda.
Honestly, there is nothing now to be done about, before.
I let my emotions rise and be big. I wanted to apologize for their unusual largess, then I rescinded those apologies and stayed big. In this stage, I found embodiment practices to be super helpful. Breathwork, brain dumping, crying, rocking on the bed and holding myself like a baby.
Bargaining
A pivot point. Acknowledgement begins to seep into the anger and a different perspective takes shape. With this stage, some new cookie crumbs are visible and the late diagnosed may wipe their eyes and see the glimmers of new ways of working with this diagnosis. Personally, I view this as a the relieved stage and it’s my biggest emotion relating to finding out about my own diagnosis.
In this stage, healthy solutions start to show themselves in all types of forms, like:
House purge of unnecessarily taxing items [ie. bins, baskets, corners that always need cleaning]
Finding a group in person, on Facebook or within an ERG at work
Reading, listening, watching content about ADHD
As with most healthy solutions to challenging changes, sustainability is key. Keep it simple and stay rigorous.
Depression
Or as I call it, the quagmire.
This stage may find itself weaving in and out of all the stages, but what tends to come with this package is the recognition that ADHD is incurable. Also that, coping will take time [we tend to lack patience], testing of new habits and mindsets must happen, rigor has to be involved [like any practice in habit creation], and leaning in to support.
All these aspects are typically to the absolute chagrin of those with ND. As people that are driven by interest, novelty, challenge, urgency and passion [INCUP]; tend to avoid times where they need patience, consistency, or asking for help. I feel you.
In this stage, there may be a perception of backward steps like going back to those [now, unfounded] stories of I’m dumb and forgetful and stupid. What tends to follow is a deep sadness; a feeling of what’s the point?
It’s like this liminal tight rope space of 1. having acknowledged what’s going on yet 2. wishing for the old comfort of ignorance. Because it was familiar. And anything familiar, says psychology, is comforting. Even if it doesn’t serve us at all.
What is resisted, will persist.
As long as ugh what’s the point takes up brain space, it will remain there. To move from this stage may take significant, rigorous, humble, small consistent action to claw out of the quicksand. If even one breadcrumb of what’s possible has been clearly seen, then by all means HANG ON to that one. Whether it’s the support group, a podcast, a workout class → stick with it. So that you might shift your mindset from the depths of disservice, to the lightness and hope of possibility.
Possibility = Freedom.
Acceptance
Oh, BLESSINGS for this stage. Something to look forward to! Here is a full, deep and visceral integration of The Truth of Me. ADHD is a facet of how I show up in the world, it is not who I am. There’s a relatively accepted trend currently, admittedly I found myself in it, where identifying with ones’ neurodivergence is a way own it. In an era of Brené Brownesque authenticity over everything, it’s understandable. Yet in my view, empowerment comes from choice not prescription.
Instead of see, the way my adhd is, I need a kneeling chair to work well
TO
since I have ADHD, I’d like to request an accommodation of a stipend for a kneeling chair, is that something we can talk through?
I am not my ADHD only, I am a great many ways of being that I chose. I’m also partnering with a few things that alter my biochemistry and neurology. IMO, this is an empowered stance.
What comes with this stance is an unlimited capacity for self: advocacy, permission, forgiveness and grace.
At this juncture, there is no longer space for feeling like a failure or having a weakness. Rather, ADHD can be so filled with possibilities that it’s like, an adventure.
So, What Now
I think it’s possible, the cycle doesn’t ever actually end. Maybe acceptance simply takes up more space than the others at varying points in life. The way to that end, IMO, is in creating your own resilience toolkit. Something I really harp on and is the backbone of my approach to coaching, but I do believe that being well resourced allows life to be well lived in a big way.
Maybe it’s the remaining self sufficiency in me, but by continuing to keep my own cup filleth, I get to support others with their cups. It becomes fulfilling and purposeful. Me likey.
Here are a few suggestions for becoming well resourced:
Support groups [like on Facebook, ERGs, or joining a mini mind like mine]
Working with a psychiatrist for appropriate medication
Working with a functional medicine doctor for blood paneling and supplementation
Find your preferred research hubs like podcasts, YouTube channels, authors to follow, Google alerts for new scientific research
Working with a cognitive behavioral therapist, specializing in ADHD
Partnering with a coach or group coaching program [like with me]
Regardless of whether you take one cookie crumb and work with it for six months or you’ve snagged half the cookie already, every single 1% movement in the direction of acknowledgement + acceptance is a win. If nothing else, start celebrating your little breadcrumb wins and see where you are in a year.
If you missed the first parts:
Resources Used:
Hey, I’m Viki; a lass of many facets. TLDR: I’m a resilience coach empowering neurodivergents from living in states of TENSION to living in a state of INTENTION. As a informed practitioner, I support people through coaching, somatic guidance and communal events.
I may receive a commission for links shared in a blog, podcast, or newsletter. You don’t have to use these links, yet I’d be grateful if you chose to! Thanks again for your support, I hope you find any aOc content supportive, insightful, and/or helpful!
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